Humans are naturally wired to think about their roles within groups (friends, family, work relationships), and we often find ourselves consumed by worries about how much others think about us especially when we make mistakes. For example, we might assume everyone is laughing at us after a failed presentation. This tendency is known as the “spotlight effect”, a cognitive bias that leads us to overestimate how much others notice or focus on us.

However, studies show a significant gap between how much we think others are thinking about us and how much they actually are. As Dale Carnegie famously said: “When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves.” This leaves little time for others to be focused on us.

To manage this anxiety, it’s important to recognize the spotlight effect. People don’t think or care about us nearly as much as we imagine. Additionally, employing the “so what” approach, asking “so what” about our worst fears, can help put things into perspective. Often, we find that the consequences of our fears aren’t nearly as bad as we thought.

Have you recently experienced the spotlight effect?